I have managed to find a trauma to write about. The dizziness is back! Just come back from a very unsuccessful trip to Mothercare with Mum and Isabelle and been dizzy the whole time. However, I do know that it is not anxiety related and am pretty certain that as I have had a dull headache all day that it is this migraine associated vertigo thing.
Good timing I suppose as I have an appt at the hospital tomorrow morning. But I hate feeling like this, like I am gonna faint any minute and generally like the world is spinning.
Good job Mum is here to look after Isabelle!
Sunday, 27 April 2008
Sun is out
Yesterday my Dad came over to play with Isabelle for a bit so I could get on with some housework. In the afternoon we took her to the park to feed the ducks, play on the swings and have an icecream and a good time was had by all, and no anxiety by me! I am really certain that a bit of sunshine helps this thing.
Just been looking at an EFT taping video and am gonna give it a go once a day this week as a few of us from the forum are. I am not convinced but will give anything a go!
Full of cold (thanks Isabelle) I guess her sneezing into my dinner the other night really did spread the germs! We are off to Mothercare with my Mum in a bit who is ordering her a new bed for her birthday.
I have been stressing alot about money and how i will cope if I get excepted on my course. But I am not going to let it stop me doing it, I am a big girl and am sure I can figure something out.
I am rambling a bit today as I dont really have a lot to say just wanted to update in here really. Will prob post more when something traumatic occurs!
Just been looking at an EFT taping video and am gonna give it a go once a day this week as a few of us from the forum are. I am not convinced but will give anything a go!
Full of cold (thanks Isabelle) I guess her sneezing into my dinner the other night really did spread the germs! We are off to Mothercare with my Mum in a bit who is ordering her a new bed for her birthday.
I have been stressing alot about money and how i will cope if I get excepted on my course. But I am not going to let it stop me doing it, I am a big girl and am sure I can figure something out.
I am rambling a bit today as I dont really have a lot to say just wanted to update in here really. Will prob post more when something traumatic occurs!
Monday, 21 April 2008
My Poorly Baby
I am knackered and dont have a lot to say really.
Isabelle is very poorly with some sort of bug and has lost her voice and has been saying things like `tummy hurt; etc which has made me very sad. I was really cross with David tonight because she was just so tired and upset and David just kept telling her off! She was only being how she was because the poor wee thing is so ill!!!
Its strange to love someone so much you feel like you would truly die for them. And I would for her. I would give her everything to make her happy.
My video from the BBC came in the post today. I look god awful. But the good news is Isabelle looks such a sweetheart. My love for her hurts sometimes.
I am tired and rambling and have another busy day at Hell tomorrow so gonna hit the sack, no doubt Isabelle will be up crying with the pain again in a bit :( .
Isabelle is very poorly with some sort of bug and has lost her voice and has been saying things like `tummy hurt; etc which has made me very sad. I was really cross with David tonight because she was just so tired and upset and David just kept telling her off! She was only being how she was because the poor wee thing is so ill!!!
Its strange to love someone so much you feel like you would truly die for them. And I would for her. I would give her everything to make her happy.
My video from the BBC came in the post today. I look god awful. But the good news is Isabelle looks such a sweetheart. My love for her hurts sometimes.
I am tired and rambling and have another busy day at Hell tomorrow so gonna hit the sack, no doubt Isabelle will be up crying with the pain again in a bit :( .
Saturday, 19 April 2008
Money
I am seriously worried about money. I have 40 quid to last me till pay day (over a week and a half away) and here I am applying for training where I am going to get 6k a year!! How the hell will that work! Just hoping my savings will help see me through the first two years and I can come up with a plan before year 3!
Had a nightmare again today with Isabelle and her tantrums. I am learning just to leave her to it until she snaps out of it, but it is really hard.
Not much more to say today really as feeling a bit down so struggling to write. Maybe I will try again later.
Had a nightmare again today with Isabelle and her tantrums. I am learning just to leave her to it until she snaps out of it, but it is really hard.
Not much more to say today really as feeling a bit down so struggling to write. Maybe I will try again later.
Wednesday, 16 April 2008
Busy Day Off
Well the appointment with the Mental Health Worker went pretty good. She is really happy with how I am doing. She is sorting me out with some on line CBT for the emetephobia and has given me some information to try and help David and I with our intimate issues. She seems to think these physical symptoms of anxiety I still get are residual from all the time I have suffered, but pyschologically I am doing great!
Meeting with lady from the BBC went well too. She was here for about 3 and half hours, which isnt bad going considering she only needs two minutes of footage! I should get a copy by the end of this week or the beginning of next.
Isabelle has been really good and i am trying to think of something fun to do with her for the remainder of the day but am a bit lost for ideas.
Back to work tomorrow followed by Yoga and then I am helping my friend by posing as a witness for her (she is training as a barrister). Then it will be straight home and to bed as I am battered. Could go to bed now actually if I could!
Wish my interview would hurry up with NHS/University. Just want to know now whether I am going to get in or not! I hate waiting.
Meeting with lady from the BBC went well too. She was here for about 3 and half hours, which isnt bad going considering she only needs two minutes of footage! I should get a copy by the end of this week or the beginning of next.
Isabelle has been really good and i am trying to think of something fun to do with her for the remainder of the day but am a bit lost for ideas.
Back to work tomorrow followed by Yoga and then I am helping my friend by posing as a witness for her (she is training as a barrister). Then it will be straight home and to bed as I am battered. Could go to bed now actually if I could!
Wish my interview would hurry up with NHS/University. Just want to know now whether I am going to get in or not! I hate waiting.
Tuesday, 15 April 2008
My Husband and I
Well i think right now would be a very good time for me to write about things with David.
We have been married for 7 weeks now, though together for 7 years, and i could never love another man more than i love David. He is so kind and caring and really looks after me, and i have loved him from day 1 I think!
Since this whole PNI thing kicked off some strange things have happened to me. I dont know why or what has caused them but they have been very distressing. I cant have sex, or be touched in a sexy way. I am happy to touch David in that way when i am in control but i cannot be touche back and i just dont know why. My mental health worker is supposed to be sorting me out with some sort of phsyco-sexual counselling, bit i am still waiting.
If this isnt enough of a problem for our relationship in itself, it is compounded by the fact that i have not been so close to David in other ways. And it has taken me until tonight to realise why. I really enjoy spending time with David, talking, cuddling and having a laugh, but i feel like anytime i go near him he immediately starts touching me or making rude comments. I know he is just being funny and not serious with me, but it is putting me on edge, and so i have found that sub-conciously i have been backing away for this reason.
I dont know how to handle this. This is the man i want to be with forever and i am such a freak I am driving a massive wedge between us as I can se that he is starting to get really frustrated with me (understandably). I wish I knew the answers..
We have been married for 7 weeks now, though together for 7 years, and i could never love another man more than i love David. He is so kind and caring and really looks after me, and i have loved him from day 1 I think!
Since this whole PNI thing kicked off some strange things have happened to me. I dont know why or what has caused them but they have been very distressing. I cant have sex, or be touched in a sexy way. I am happy to touch David in that way when i am in control but i cannot be touche back and i just dont know why. My mental health worker is supposed to be sorting me out with some sort of phsyco-sexual counselling, bit i am still waiting.
If this isnt enough of a problem for our relationship in itself, it is compounded by the fact that i have not been so close to David in other ways. And it has taken me until tonight to realise why. I really enjoy spending time with David, talking, cuddling and having a laugh, but i feel like anytime i go near him he immediately starts touching me or making rude comments. I know he is just being funny and not serious with me, but it is putting me on edge, and so i have found that sub-conciously i have been backing away for this reason.
I dont know how to handle this. This is the man i want to be with forever and i am such a freak I am driving a massive wedge between us as I can se that he is starting to get really frustrated with me (understandably). I wish I knew the answers..
BBC Coming...
Well today is a better day. Woke with the tummy bug still this morning, but feel like eating now which is a good start!
Also has some more Moderators contact me to tell me they feel I was harshly treated and I didn’t deserve what I got which has made me feel a lot less like me against the world! Also on a good note the mod who really upset me apologised and I am glad because I was feeling really sad about the fact that I had apologised but heard nothing back and I thought our friendship had gone down the pan.
Got the BBC coming tomorrow to film a documentary on PNI for video nation. Got mental health worker at 09.30 am and then BBC lady to pick up from the train station at 11.30 am. Am stressing that she might want feeding or something and I have no food in but hopefully she will have had enough sense to bring some pack up with her??? Of course it also means I will be running round like a headless tonight bathing and washing Isabelle’s hair, washing my hair, straightening my hair, tidying and cleaning…
Also has some more Moderators contact me to tell me they feel I was harshly treated and I didn’t deserve what I got which has made me feel a lot less like me against the world! Also on a good note the mod who really upset me apologised and I am glad because I was feeling really sad about the fact that I had apologised but heard nothing back and I thought our friendship had gone down the pan.
Got the BBC coming tomorrow to film a documentary on PNI for video nation. Got mental health worker at 09.30 am and then BBC lady to pick up from the train station at 11.30 am. Am stressing that she might want feeding or something and I have no food in but hopefully she will have had enough sense to bring some pack up with her??? Of course it also means I will be running round like a headless tonight bathing and washing Isabelle’s hair, washing my hair, straightening my hair, tidying and cleaning…
Monday, 14 April 2008
Appraisal Day
Well I had my appraisal today, same shit, different year. I really wasn’t bothered this year either and I think it may have to do with my upcoming interview to train as a mental health nurse. Not that I think I will get the job, but I do feel that it has made me realise that’s where I need to be. Shame really as I got a really good appraisal!
Things have been a bit difficult for me the last few days due to a major issue on the PNI site I work for. It is weird because the two people that attacked me were people I really do care about! And I was even called egocentric by a lady I thought of as a good friend! Now I am many things (most of them not good) but egocentric really doesn’t come into it!
Luckily, 3 other moderators contacted privately to back me up and tell me that I was being unfairly attacked and to ignore the two who had caused me the grief. Don’t get me wrong, it is my fault it all started in the first place because whilst in the best interest of two people I made a mistake that shouldn’t have happened. But I should never have been treated the way I was.
My problem in life is that every one assumes I don’t have feelings because I come across as a hard nosed bitch. I was annoyed by this as I knew if certain other mods had made the mistake I had, then everyone would have tip toed nicely nicely round them, but because I don’t crumple in front of people they assume its ok to hurt me.
I don’t know what I am going to do about it. I love supporting the women on their and wouldn’t want to give it up for the world. But on the other end of the scale I cant work with people who think so little of me. So we will just have to see how I feel in a couple of days I guess.
Well quite enjoying this blog business, its quite therapeutic!
Things have been a bit difficult for me the last few days due to a major issue on the PNI site I work for. It is weird because the two people that attacked me were people I really do care about! And I was even called egocentric by a lady I thought of as a good friend! Now I am many things (most of them not good) but egocentric really doesn’t come into it!
Luckily, 3 other moderators contacted privately to back me up and tell me that I was being unfairly attacked and to ignore the two who had caused me the grief. Don’t get me wrong, it is my fault it all started in the first place because whilst in the best interest of two people I made a mistake that shouldn’t have happened. But I should never have been treated the way I was.
My problem in life is that every one assumes I don’t have feelings because I come across as a hard nosed bitch. I was annoyed by this as I knew if certain other mods had made the mistake I had, then everyone would have tip toed nicely nicely round them, but because I don’t crumple in front of people they assume its ok to hurt me.
I don’t know what I am going to do about it. I love supporting the women on their and wouldn’t want to give it up for the world. But on the other end of the scale I cant work with people who think so little of me. So we will just have to see how I feel in a couple of days I guess.
Well quite enjoying this blog business, its quite therapeutic!
Sunday, 13 April 2008
My first ever blog.
Well i have definately started this late on at night!
Wasnt sure where to start but i thought perhaps a quick intro to me incase anyone ever reads this.
I am 26 and mum to a beautiful little girl who will be 2 years old next month. I have a fabulous husband and i currently work as a Transport Supervisor. I also do some part time work for PNI Org UK on the forum and am currently studying for a certificate in mental health awareness also.
After the birth of my daughter i suffered PNI which led to me experiencing GAD. I am in recovery now, but my experiences have led me to the deciosion that i would like to become a mental health nurse. It means training on a bursary for 3 years that would be tough for but i am ready for the challenge (as long as i dont have to sell my car!) I have an interview next month, and i am petrified they wont take me based upon my own medical issues, but i will never know if i dont try.
Well, theres the start of it. I am sure at some stage i will go into details of my past, present and future, but for one whos eyes are drooping this is a good start.
Wasnt sure where to start but i thought perhaps a quick intro to me incase anyone ever reads this.
I am 26 and mum to a beautiful little girl who will be 2 years old next month. I have a fabulous husband and i currently work as a Transport Supervisor. I also do some part time work for PNI Org UK on the forum and am currently studying for a certificate in mental health awareness also.
After the birth of my daughter i suffered PNI which led to me experiencing GAD. I am in recovery now, but my experiences have led me to the deciosion that i would like to become a mental health nurse. It means training on a bursary for 3 years that would be tough for but i am ready for the challenge (as long as i dont have to sell my car!) I have an interview next month, and i am petrified they wont take me based upon my own medical issues, but i will never know if i dont try.
Well, theres the start of it. I am sure at some stage i will go into details of my past, present and future, but for one whos eyes are drooping this is a good start.
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